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Advice - turning my vanilla relationship into a D/s one
   
BlueRabbit
7/31/2016     
Member Hi,

I recently asked my long-term partner if we could incorporate D/s elements into our relationship, where he would be the Dominant, me the submissive. He thankfully agreed. However, when I was doing some research online most of the information recommended finding a partner that was already into the D/s scene. While I know a little about the scene, my partner doesn't. He's doing research now, but I'm eager to help him in order to make sure we have as much information as possible before getting started.

So, any advice is welcome, but I do have several specific questions:

How do I ease him into becoming dominant over me? He has agreed to our roles, but he can be quite shy when trying new things. I worry he'll hold back.
What kind of parameters can we set up to limit the play time? I don't particularly want to be calling him Sir when in front of my family, for example. Any advice on keeping D/s just to the bedroom?
Are there any other resources I can look at to tell me more about D/s relationships? As said above, most resources I've found have either been furthering long established relationships, or focus on people who find new D/s partners.

Thank you for any advice you can give!
Post #1033050 Back to top ▲
7/31/2016
  
BlueRabbit
Member
Hi,

I recently asked my long-term partner if we could incorporate D/s elements into our relationship, where he would be the Dominant, me the submissive. He thankfully agreed. However, when I was doing some research online most of the information recommended finding a partner that was already into the D/s scene. While I know a little about the scene, my partner doesn't. He's doing research now, but I'm eager to help him in order to make sure we have as much information as possible before getting started.

So, any advice is welcome, but I do have several specific questions:

How do I ease him into becoming dominant over me? He has agreed to our roles, but he can be quite shy when trying new things. I worry he'll hold back.
What kind of parameters can we set up to limit the play time? I don't particularly want to be calling him Sir when in front of my family, for example. Any advice on keeping D/s just to the bedroom?
Are there any other resources I can look at to tell me more about D/s relationships? As said above, most resources I've found have either been furthering long established relationships, or focus on people who find new D/s partners.

Thank you for any advice you can give!
Post #1033050
ksenia
8/1/2016     
Bra Tester
Hello! Welcome to The Pork.

My two penneth worth is this...


Stop trying to ease him into doing anything!


Trust that he is going to do his research.


Work out what it is you like, prefer....what kinky funness gets you off. Let him do the same.


It might the worth agreeing a time period for that initial research to happen as its all new to him. Then discuss what it is you've found independently, have a play with a few things, discuss limits, he might wanna join a munch or go to a workshop to learn from other people's techniques...

Communicate your preferences but don't dictate his.

It may be he's not into the kinky stuff you are. You can't force his dominance and you'll only end up frustrated and disrespecting him if you try and you'll be chopping off his balls, vanilla or not, in the process.


Have fun!!


“You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.” - Dr. Seuss
Post #1033069 Back to top ▲
8/1/2016
  
ksenia
Bra Tester
Hello! Welcome to The Pork.

My two penneth worth is this...


Stop trying to ease him into doing anything!


Trust that he is going to do his research.


Work out what it is you like, prefer....what kinky funness gets you off. Let him do the same.


It might the worth agreeing a time period for that initial research to happen as its all new to him. Then discuss what it is you've found independently, have a play with a few things, discuss limits, he might wanna join a munch or go to a workshop to learn from other people's techniques...

Communicate your preferences but don't dictate his.

It may be he's not into the kinky stuff you are. You can't force his dominance and you'll only end up frustrated and disrespecting him if you try and you'll be chopping off his balls, vanilla or not, in the process.


Have fun!!


“You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.” - Dr. Seuss
Post #1033069
littlesugarsub
8/2/2016     
Member Hi!
My fiancée and I just made the same decision! While I don't know EVERYTHING there is to know, and I would say we are incorporating a small-medium amount of D/S into our every day life, I can tell you how we are starting. Please remember relationships are fluid and can and should grow and adjust as you both feel! And also remember what works for some may not work for others. This is just what's working for us.

I'm a naturally bossy, in control and demanding person in every day life. In the bedroom I want to relinquish all of my control. We decided that bringing some D/S elements outside the bedroom will help me learn to tame my need to always micromanage and be in control. I've been desiring D/S for a long time but he doesn't know much about it.

We first sat down and laid everything out. Basically said what would be "too far", decided to use the red/yellow/green system for safe words, chose pet names, and decided what areas he would have full control, some control, or did not need control.

We decided to have pet names (which I think is fairly common), mine is Sugar and his is Sir. They're discreet and fairly nonchalant so we do not need to worry about being exposed to friends/family. We agreed if he decides I am being too bossy or if he wants control of me in public, all he has to do is call me Sugar and I will then comply with whatever he wants me to do, and my answers are to be basically "yes sir" from that point on. If I don't obey, he can punish me, and so far I've been punished twice with spankings. He likes punishing me and I love it. Other than suddenly complying and going into a slightly more submissive mind frame, I can act completely normal to everyone around me and have conversations and carry on, etc. We also decided he would be able to tell me what to do and when, for anything I want to do for myself the majority of the time, such as showering, smoking, getting up, going to the bathroom, etc. So far we only have a few rules. 1. before he gets home from work, I must take my panties off and put my pants back on. (We have kids so we are limited a lot, so this is one very small way of my submission. Basically a bathroom trip for me, and a secret way of submitting and no one's the wiser. ) He also said there will be days he wants me to use a kegel exerciser and he will tell me when. He does a panty check on me when he gets home. 2. he chooses or at least approves my choice of what I wear at all times. 3. I have to ask permission to do things for myself, especially to orgasm and touch myself. (what I mentioned above)

He is trying his best to bring out his Dom side, as he's a pretty shy and easy going guy, and if he does or says something that I think he could've done better as a Dom, I just kind of tell him or I test him a little. Example, he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere with him and his friend so I told him no, then said, from now on any time you ask me something that could be phrased as an order, I'm going to say no. He then rephrased it as an order, and I didn't end up going with them, which he was perfectly fine with, but I did get spanked for not going. He ordered me to relax and rest before he left, (the night before had been quite long), but because I disobeyed by not going, I got punished. He won't make me do things I don't want to, so I can basically choose to disobey, but I also must accept my punishment. Sometimes punishment happens right away (if we can), other times he makes me wait (or we have to wait until we are alone).

Our only areas of absolute zero will be with family and church. I gave consent for other public places and with friends.

I trust my fiancée completely, and this means I trust him enough that when I go into submissive mode, I know he won't do anything to actually injure me or do anything psychologically or emotionally damaging. I've made that clear to him too, I will obey and submit to him and I trust him to make good choices in my submissive times and not to take advantage. We love each other, so it's kind of not even an issue. But in public, we've decided all I have to do is say "I seriously don't want to" or "no sugar right now." and whatever request it was gets wiped out, and there won't be a punishment. That's only for when it's something I really can't do or am not comfortable with. If he says "Sugar get me a beer" at the bar and I say, I seriously don't want to, I'm definitely getting punished, because there's no reason, physically, mentally, or emotionally to deny that order. If we are at his friends and he says "Sugar get on your knees in front of my friends" and I say, "seriously no" then the entire D/S dynamic stops until I'm comfortable again, and I won't be punished for it because it's something I may not be emotionally ready for or comfortable with. Any time I use the safe words though, we will have a serious discussion about what happened when we are alone. We'll talk about why I wasn't comfortable, what was going on, what pushed me too far, and go through everything. I know some D/S relationships go that far (i.e. demanding sexual favors in front of friends), but ours isn't at that point and honestly may never be. I trust that he knows my limits and will only push them a little at a time.

Right now we are planning on buying some gear and testing the limits a little at a time. We took a quiz at http://mojoupgrade.com that helped us both reveal what we might want to try. I had no idea he wanted to use a ball gag on me until we took that quiz so I highly recommend it! Wink So we will be buying a ball gag, hand restraints, and a wireless remote control vibrator for some secret fun on date night! I think every time we slip into D/S mode we learn something about each other and our new dynamic, and right now we make sure to talk about everything A LOT. Open and honest communication is EVERYTHING!

We literally just started this dynamic up this week and I can tell you I've never felt this way, never been more turned on, and I've been feeling like I NEED him since the minute we started. I already feel more relaxed and happy, more attracted to him and just, amazing.
Hope it goes well for you guys 😊😊😊

EDIT: I read your post again and realized I sort of didn't answer your questions. That's what we want and what works for us for now, and it's definitely more of a lifestyle and relationship dynamic shift than just playing D/S in the bedroom.

Most importantly for you will be to sit down and communicate open and honestly. You can tell him what you desire, and tell him you only want the D/S to remain in the bedroom, and maybe in the future if it feels right, slowly integrate small parts of your every day life into D/S. If he loves and respects you, he will respect your desire for it to remain in the bedroom and only test the limits you've set as pushable. Communicate whatever you don't want to test out too. Make sure he knows if you definitely don't want something. Make sure you've got safe words, and a safe gesture if you're using gags, and let him know that you aren't afraid and he can do whatever he wants within the boundaries you've set. The greatest thing about D/S to me is that it's SO malleable. You can pretty much make it whatever you want it to be. You can do soft D/S play in the bedroom, you can do hardcore D/S in private all the time, you can make it part of your daily routine...You can do anything you want. Just make sure to set those boundaries very clearly with your partner! Open and honest communication- you cannot have enough when it comes to D/S.

Edited: 8/2/2016 by littlesugarsub
Post #1033094 Back to top ▲
8/2/2016
  
Hi!
My fiancée and I just made the same decision! While I don't know EVERYTHING there is to know, and I would say we are incorporating a small-medium amount of D/S into our every day life, I can tell you how we are starting. Please remember relationships are fluid and can and should grow and adjust as you both feel! And also remember what works for some may not work for others. This is just what's working for us.

I'm a naturally bossy, in control and demanding person in every day life. In the bedroom I want to relinquish all of my control. We decided that bringing some D/S elements outside the bedroom will help me learn to tame my need to always micromanage and be in control. I've been desiring D/S for a long time but he doesn't know much about it.

We first sat down and laid everything out. Basically said what would be "too far", decided to use the red/yellow/green system for safe words, chose pet names, and decided what areas he would have full control, some control, or did not need control.

We decided to have pet names (which I think is fairly common), mine is Sugar and his is Sir. They're discreet and fairly nonchalant so we do not need to worry about being exposed to friends/family. We agreed if he decides I am being too bossy or if he wants control of me in public, all he has to do is call me Sugar and I will then comply with whatever he wants me to do, and my answers are to be basically "yes sir" from that point on. If I don't obey, he can punish me, and so far I've been punished twice with spankings. He likes punishing me and I love it. Other than suddenly complying and going into a slightly more submissive mind frame, I can act completely normal to everyone around me and have conversations and carry on, etc. We also decided he would be able to tell me what to do and when, for anything I want to do for myself the majority of the time, such as showering, smoking, getting up, going to the bathroom, etc. So far we only have a few rules. 1. before he gets home from work, I must take my panties off and put my pants back on. (We have kids so we are limited a lot, so this is one very small way of my submission. Basically a bathroom trip for me, and a secret way of submitting and no one's the wiser. ) He also said there will be days he wants me to use a kegel exerciser and he will tell me when. He does a panty check on me when he gets home. 2. he chooses or at least approves my choice of what I wear at all times. 3. I have to ask permission to do things for myself, especially to orgasm and touch myself. (what I mentioned above)

He is trying his best to bring out his Dom side, as he's a pretty shy and easy going guy, and if he does or says something that I think he could've done better as a Dom, I just kind of tell him or I test him a little. Example, he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere with him and his friend so I told him no, then said, from now on any time you ask me something that could be phrased as an order, I'm going to say no. He then rephrased it as an order, and I didn't end up going with them, which he was perfectly fine with, but I did get spanked for not going. He ordered me to relax and rest before he left, (the night before had been quite long), but because I disobeyed by not going, I got punished. He won't make me do things I don't want to, so I can basically choose to disobey, but I also must accept my punishment. Sometimes punishment happens right away (if we can), other times he makes me wait (or we have to wait until we are alone).

Our only areas of absolute zero will be with family and church. I gave consent for other public places and with friends.

I trust my fiancée completely, and this means I trust him enough that when I go into submissive mode, I know he won't do anything to actually injure me or do anything psychologically or emotionally damaging. I've made that clear to him too, I will obey and submit to him and I trust him to make good choices in my submissive times and not to take advantage. We love each other, so it's kind of not even an issue. But in public, we've decided all I have to do is say "I seriously don't want to" or "no sugar right now." and whatever request it was gets wiped out, and there won't be a punishment. That's only for when it's something I really can't do or am not comfortable with. If he says "Sugar get me a beer" at the bar and I say, I seriously don't want to, I'm definitely getting punished, because there's no reason, physically, mentally, or emotionally to deny that order. If we are at his friends and he says "Sugar get on your knees in front of my friends" and I say, "seriously no" then the entire D/S dynamic stops until I'm comfortable again, and I won't be punished for it because it's something I may not be emotionally ready for or comfortable with. Any time I use the safe words though, we will have a serious discussion about what happened when we are alone. We'll talk about why I wasn't comfortable, what was going on, what pushed me too far, and go through everything. I know some D/S relationships go that far (i.e. demanding sexual favors in front of friends), but ours isn't at that point and honestly may never be. I trust that he knows my limits and will only push them a little at a time.

Right now we are planning on buying some gear and testing the limits a little at a time. We took a quiz at http://mojoupgrade.com that helped us both reveal what we might want to try. I had no idea he wanted to use a ball gag on me until we took that quiz so I highly recommend it! Wink So we will be buying a ball gag, hand restraints, and a wireless remote control vibrator for some secret fun on date night! I think every time we slip into D/S mode we learn something about each other and our new dynamic, and right now we make sure to talk about everything A LOT. Open and honest communication is EVERYTHING!

We literally just started this dynamic up this week and I can tell you I've never felt this way, never been more turned on, and I've been feeling like I NEED him since the minute we started. I already feel more relaxed and happy, more attracted to him and just, amazing.
Hope it goes well for you guys 😊😊😊

EDIT: I read your post again and realized I sort of didn't answer your questions. That's what we want and what works for us for now, and it's definitely more of a lifestyle and relationship dynamic shift than just playing D/S in the bedroom.

Most importantly for you will be to sit down and communicate open and honestly. You can tell him what you desire, and tell him you only want the D/S to remain in the bedroom, and maybe in the future if it feels right, slowly integrate small parts of your every day life into D/S. If he loves and respects you, he will respect your desire for it to remain in the bedroom and only test the limits you've set as pushable. Communicate whatever you don't want to test out too. Make sure he knows if you definitely don't want something. Make sure you've got safe words, and a safe gesture if you're using gags, and let him know that you aren't afraid and he can do whatever he wants within the boundaries you've set. The greatest thing about D/S to me is that it's SO malleable. You can pretty much make it whatever you want it to be. You can do soft D/S play in the bedroom, you can do hardcore D/S in private all the time, you can make it part of your daily routine...You can do anything you want. Just make sure to set those boundaries very clearly with your partner! Open and honest communication- you cannot have enough when it comes to D/S.

Edited: 8/2/2016 by littlesugarsub
Post #1033094
aDIAMONDintheROUGH
8/16/2017     
Member Thank you littlesugarsub!

I am new to the site and to the idea of d's. I've been contemplating a d's style relationship, not so much concentrating on the kink but wanting to explore more of the power exchange aspect. As I've gotten older I have become aware that I have control issues (that I like to be in control too much) and I feel that this kind of issue has not been helping my anxiety. I panic when I'm not in control and I feel that stems from not being able to trust. I have recently come out of a 10 year relationship and learned things about my self I wish to change, like my need for control. I have recently started a new relationship with a very amazing guy, but I want to be sure that I don't make the same mistakes I have in my past relationship. (I want to learn to relinquish control properly in hopes that may help me address my trust issues and anxiety) I've been doing a lot of reading, some good and some bad (the internet is what it is) to determine if d's might be a away to not only help me evolve from my issues but grow more as a person that matches my general belief ( I'm pretty traditional in a sense of role dynamics)

I found your response to this post to be very informative but would love to get your opinion on my situation on wether this might be something worth trying, or if with my issues that this might be a bad idea....
Post #1039214 Back to top ▲
8/16/2017
  
Thank you littlesugarsub!

I am new to the site and to the idea of d's. I've been contemplating a d's style relationship, not so much concentrating on the kink but wanting to explore more of the power exchange aspect. As I've gotten older I have become aware that I have control issues (that I like to be in control too much) and I feel that this kind of issue has not been helping my anxiety. I panic when I'm not in control and I feel that stems from not being able to trust. I have recently come out of a 10 year relationship and learned things about my self I wish to change, like my need for control. I have recently started a new relationship with a very amazing guy, but I want to be sure that I don't make the same mistakes I have in my past relationship. (I want to learn to relinquish control properly in hopes that may help me address my trust issues and anxiety) I've been doing a lot of reading, some good and some bad (the internet is what it is) to determine if d's might be a away to not only help me evolve from my issues but grow more as a person that matches my general belief ( I'm pretty traditional in a sense of role dynamics)

I found your response to this post to be very informative but would love to get your opinion on my situation on wether this might be something worth trying, or if with my issues that this might be a bad idea....
Post #1039214
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