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I have a fear of control. Is it possible for me to be a Dom?
   
Batesyboy
12/28/2016     
Member Recently I have been talking to someone who I really like. He's really into me and I'm into him and he's really into BDSM. Although I really like the roleplay aspect to Dom/sub and I like the thrill I can get from talking and acting them out and being the Dom in these situations is fun because I get the satisfaction of feeling that someone is giving their body to me. There is just one problem: I have a crippling fear of control. When I say control, I don't mean simply mind control or slavery (controlling, being controlled and witnessing control), but this extends to fantasy where the will of another is taken over by another. This terrifies me to no end and it has seeped into our talks. I have noticed this also agitates him. Whenever I look for help in any site or forum, there is a lot of focus on the subs well being. And although this is all well and good, I feel that as the Dom that I am expected to just 'go along with it' and 'enjoy feeling dominant' or that 'it shouldn't matter because you're in charge' . Well it's hard to feel good in a role play when the goal is to humiliate, demean, sissify and damage the self esteem of the sub's character. I don't want to do that but I want to roleplay a Dom because it does appeal to me as a way to fulfill fantasies of 'the neighbor boy' or 'coach' or 'private club owner' but I want to do it without making myself feel like I'm going to pass out.

If this seems silly to you I'm sorry, but I haven't many places to go and I'm scared of either becomeing some sick controller or hating myself because this is freaking me out.
Post #1035915 Back to top ▲
12/28/2016
  
Batesyboy
Member
Recently I have been talking to someone who I really like. He's really into me and I'm into him and he's really into BDSM. Although I really like the roleplay aspect to Dom/sub and I like the thrill I can get from talking and acting them out and being the Dom in these situations is fun because I get the satisfaction of feeling that someone is giving their body to me. There is just one problem: I have a crippling fear of control. When I say control, I don't mean simply mind control or slavery (controlling, being controlled and witnessing control), but this extends to fantasy where the will of another is taken over by another. This terrifies me to no end and it has seeped into our talks. I have noticed this also agitates him. Whenever I look for help in any site or forum, there is a lot of focus on the subs well being. And although this is all well and good, I feel that as the Dom that I am expected to just 'go along with it' and 'enjoy feeling dominant' or that 'it shouldn't matter because you're in charge' . Well it's hard to feel good in a role play when the goal is to humiliate, demean, sissify and damage the self esteem of the sub's character. I don't want to do that but I want to roleplay a Dom because it does appeal to me as a way to fulfill fantasies of 'the neighbor boy' or 'coach' or 'private club owner' but I want to do it without making myself feel like I'm going to pass out.

If this seems silly to you I'm sorry, but I haven't many places to go and I'm scared of either becomeing some sick controller or hating myself because this is freaking me out.
Post #1035915
Machiavelli
7/27/2017     
Member Greetings.

I'm new here, but I will give you a couple pieces of advise before you go much further:

1. Draw up a contract, or at least have a very long talk about what you both do and do not want, could tolerate, and absolutely can't do.

2. It sounds like you're not opposed to control, I may be won't, it sounds like you're primarily worried about causing harm. You need to seriously think about what it is specifically that makes you uncomfortable and write it down. Is it required to be a Dom? Probably not. But it might be something your partner would like.

3. Safe word. I am a 24/7 Dom, and the safe word we use is used far more often outside the bedroom than in it. Accidental injury is bad, but you really want that safe word for psychological well being. I once acted like my sub didn't exist, after 45 minutes she was a wreck crying the safe word because she Didn't even understand why she was so upset until I told her what I was doing for her punishment.

Now, I'm aware that acting like she is totally invisible is too much pretty quickly.

Hopefully you'll get some more replies here, but I hope I helped as well.

-M
Post #1038951 Back to top ▲
7/27/2017
  
Machiavelli
Member
Greetings.

I'm new here, but I will give you a couple pieces of advise before you go much further:

1. Draw up a contract, or at least have a very long talk about what you both do and do not want, could tolerate, and absolutely can't do.

2. It sounds like you're not opposed to control, I may be won't, it sounds like you're primarily worried about causing harm. You need to seriously think about what it is specifically that makes you uncomfortable and write it down. Is it required to be a Dom? Probably not. But it might be something your partner would like.

3. Safe word. I am a 24/7 Dom, and the safe word we use is used far more often outside the bedroom than in it. Accidental injury is bad, but you really want that safe word for psychological well being. I once acted like my sub didn't exist, after 45 minutes she was a wreck crying the safe word because she Didn't even understand why she was so upset until I told her what I was doing for her punishment.

Now, I'm aware that acting like she is totally invisible is too much pretty quickly.

Hopefully you'll get some more replies here, but I hope I helped as well.

-M
Post #1038951
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